Chatting with a friend this morning, I expressed how I’m feeling up and down. How the Holidays were bloody uncomfortable and I was emotionally exhausted by them. Even though I’d had lots of down time.
In fact, I was cherishing the return to work. Looking at my schedule. Planning the day. Updating to-do lists and finding my priorities. And this exploration led to me realising that I’m in need of routines.
Have you been finding that routines have fallen by the way side as we live the health crisis? The break of routine that the holidays normally brings just added to my sense of chaos. I felt kinda unglued at times.
And Darci said the magic words
It’s like walking between worlds.
OMG! It hit me between the eyes. Yes, living right now is surreal and I often feel as if I’m walking between worlds.
For some this may manifest as a need to keep going. To be constantly on the go. Racing around. Busy working, scheduling, making things happen. Doing, doing, doing!
(and that’s do-ing not doing like a bell, but maybe)
For others it may be the need to stay in bed a bit longer. Surf the web a little more. Scroll through social media for hours. Curl up with a book and disappear into fiction. Or Netflix. Disconnected from the world, but strangely in it.
And if you’re like me, a bit of all of it!
I’ve found myself at times terribly disconnected. Dissociated from my body, my life, the places around me. This in turn causing introspection. Am I reverting to childhood learned behaviors? Just to cope with the unreality of the day to day?
And truth be told, the answer is often ‘yes’.
So I’ve beaten myself up. I’ve done so much personal growth work. Worked through my traumas. Forgiven myself and those who didn’t get me. 30 years of personal growth, study and insight. Only to be back in old patterns.
What about all the clients and students I’ve been teaching over the years? Did I mislead them? Am I a failure? (Just like my dad said to the little girl that got less than 100% on the maths test. Came last in the race. Dropped her ice cream. Cried at the sad movie.) Have I let people down because I’m not perfect?
And then hearing those words, ‘walking between worlds.’ It washed away.
We are all in a state of crisis. The world is in crisis. We can run. We can hide. But at the end of the day, we are living a different life than we’ve ever lived before.
For some this comes easier than others. Many of you who read my blog and subscribe to my writings etc. are HSP. Highly Sensitive People. We are drawn to each other, like moths to a flame. Others who are sensitive and see/feel/sense the world through our unique magnifying glasses.
We walk past the elderly person, puffing and breathing with difficulty as their mask flaps in and out with each breath. And we feel for them. We want to reach out, tell them it’s okay. Take the mask off. Breathe deeply together. We’ll hug and comfort each other. But we can’t. We don’t know how they’ll react. We may cause them more pain. More hurt. So, we feel and continue to walk past.
The child crying because they don’t want to wear a mask or because they’re frightened of the masked person coming toward them. We feel their fear, confusion and pain. We want to hug them. To comfort them. Again, we don’t have that authority. It’s the parents’ choice. We feel and we continue to walk past.
The news and social media pages filled with angst, sorrow and fear. We can’t just turn it off. We feel it. Sense it. See it all. We can’t make it better.
And so, dearheart, sometimes we just have to switch it off. It’s too much. And we are left with the sense of being of the world and not belonging.
Walking Between Worlds
If this isn’t you, you’ve not made it this far into my story. So, welcome fellow kindred-spirit. Welcome to walking between the worlds with each other.
My teacher Stuart Wilde taught me I was a fringe-dweller. One who sees and participates in the world from a different viewpoint. At times I’ve felt it a cop-out. That sometimes all I could do was watch, from the fringes. But I realise now that it’s just how I manage through life sometimes. A coping mechanism for the highly sensitive.
2020 felt like survival-mode. Of course, some of us step outside to survive. It’s okay to dissociate. To be between worlds for a while. To be a fringe-dweller and watch. I made a lot of life changes last year, and most of it seems unreal. 2021 I’m starting out by allowing this to sink in. Sink in deeply.
I ended the year by beginning Afternoon Tea with Jacqueline. Sending out uplifting, vulnerable messages in written and audio format. I planned to do it often. I just couldn’t. So, I send them as I’m able to share hope, faith and tenderness. I chose to make it free to subscribers. To offer a gift. And I’ve been astounded and hugely uplifted to hear back. Messages of love and hope from people like us. HSP.
We need to find hope within the chaos.
Pockets of peace. This way we can live between the worlds, until we feel safe again. Do sign-up for my emails to receive health tips and of course, Afternoon Tea with Jacqueline. a few minutes every now and again to come back to connection. To step back into our world. The world of HSP, Highly Sensitive People.
Go head and find your routines. Gently. Tenderly. Truly, it helps. And I promise to be here, holding the space Walking Between Worlds for us. Drop me a comment below if this resonates. I’d love to hear from you.