I cried this morning
Not the soft, sweet tears of lovely memories gently healing my heart
No.
Ugly, gut-wrenching sobbing
Angry tears
Bitter loss
Heart cracking wide open again
Grief doesn’t follow a straight path
Grief ebbs and flows, bobs and weaves
‘Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee’
I’ve hit a rough patch this morning
And I know it’s part of the journey
And it doesn’t undo all the progress I’ve made.
It doesn’t make me less
It makes me more…
Real
A spirit being having a human experience
I am alive.
I am…
If you know, you know. I wouldn’t wish this level of pain on anyone. My heart broke as our world went into chaos. Again and again.
Then the personal losses came. And I didn’t think I’d survive. To be honest, I couldn’t see a way out. A purpose to get out of bed in the morning.
All my tools! My Mary Poppins bag of healing tools I’d been carrying, using and teaching for 30+ years. They were just helping me survive. My heart was breaking, more and more.
If you’ve been there, or walked beside someone you love, you know. The pain is unbearable. But the biggest shock for me was that all my healing tools didn’t work. I didn’t get fixed.
There is no fixing some grief
You learn to live with it. To live with those you’ve lost in a new way. Not a way you want. Nope! But a way that brings some solace to the broken heart still beating in your chest.
I wake in the morning. I am alive. And I am breathing, stretching. My body still works just fine. I am swallowing the first sips of tea. Greeting my cats as they mew for their breakfast. For cuddles.
And some days it hits all over again. Sometimes sweet, gentle memories that create sweet tears. Joyful tears. But not today. Today the tears came angry and bitter. I sobbed. Again and again. Then I wrote a poem.
Am I fixed? Fuck no! But I am on the journey of life. With it’s ups and downs. I am alive.
Big love,
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