I’ve been pondering.
I received a beautifully written story of how J.K. Rowlings’ personal feelings had left a Hogswarts fan feeling abandoned. Betrayed! (For those not in the know, the Harry Potter author took as stand against transgender self identification. You can read about it here.)
And it stopped me in my tracks. I sat. Thinking. Feeling. Being. Pondering.
And I had an epiphany. And ‘aha’ moment. Oh, how often have I created a persona in my mind? Only to discover, that they weren’t that person at all. A movie star playing a role that made my heart sing. While I forgot they were simply acting. The sweet young man I developed a major crush on. Turning them into the starring role of Prince Charming in my dreams.
The spiritual leader with all the answers who became the Guru. Allowing me to give away my power and follow their lead. Making spirit easy.
They were my creations!
The bond was never real. They don’t know me from a hole in the ground. And, truth be told, I don’t know them either.
I know the ‘story’ in my mind. Just like reading a book. Imagining the characters. I made them up!
So, I thought I’d share a story with you. you might recognise a little piece of you in the story. Let’s go pondering.
One day my brother told me that Gary Glitter had been imprisoned for pedophilia. (Again, for those not in the know, Gary Glitter was a rock + roll sensation in the UK and Europe when I was a young girl.)
He was England based. But avoided prosecution for years by living in Vietnam. Where he continued to assault children. And has been imprisoned in the UK since 2012.
My heart broke. I couldn’t believe it.
My memory is GG decked out in glitter. In his platform boots (which I’d have given my eye-teeth to own.) Prancing up and down the catwalk stage. Belting out songs and strutting his stuff. Sequined vest and hairy chest. Larger than life. And obviously a rock and roll hero.
I was 14. Snuck into Anabel’s in Southend-on-Sea. Dressed up to the nines. Fave mini dress, highest heels and as much make-up as I could get-away-with. (It was an over 18 venue, but I had to see him. I had to!)
To look back and realise his sexual taste was for children younger than his audience. Ugh! I have no words…
And his music.
The background of my life. OK. I exaggerate. I forgot about GG as I became a wife and then a mother. Life changed. I moved on. And then one day after moving to Canada, puttering in the kitchen. Hubby watching the hockey on TV. And I was pulled-back to being an excited 14 year old.
Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Part 2, blaring away. An organist pounding it out. While the crowd sang along. A Canadian Hockey Goal song. Which became a sporting sing-along-song the world over! How many of us have heard the song? Joined in and sang along?
And didn’t even know that it was a UK Glam Rock sensation from the early 70s!
Check out Gary in his glitter and boots, the song and how it became a global sports sensation here. It’s a quick video.
Telling my girls what the song meant to me. Their shocked faces that mum knew a Hockey song. Sharing the naughtiness of my sneaking into a Disco. Who is this person? Mum became a little more real in their minds. We became closer.
The kids in turn growing up with a new GG, Hockey Night in Canada.
And then the nasty facts of who he really is.
Did I throw away his music? No. Do I get as much enjoyment? Yes, but there’s a pause before I make the choice to enjoy the music. To laugh, dance, and strut my stuff.
Would I still give my eye-teeth for the boots? Not so much. I’ve changed.
Did Gary Glitter change? It would seem not. But the image I had of him did. The story I’d created about him did.
I’m 63 now. And I’ve had many experiences of loss. The sense of betrayal. Disappointment. But I never knew the people, just the story I’d created.
And I’ve been pondering.
Should I throw away Michael Jackson? Doreen Virtue? Yogi Bhajan? Did I set these people up to be gurus? Somehow above mere mortals. Because of their creativity. Their magic?
I could beat myself up. For ever loving. For trusting. (And that leads to a rabbit-hole around relationships in general.)
So, no. I grieve the loss. Acknowledging the disappointment. The betrayal. And owning it all as part of this rich and beautiful human experience. For without the crappy bits of people, we wouldn’t see the beauty.
Have you lost a hero/heroine/shero? Are you pondering too? Let me know. Let’s explore this together. My fave question comes to mind
how does it make you feel?
BTW, if you’d like to read the Story that inspired this blog, please click here.